I wrote this for you Dean
by Pizzapig
Summary: I'm no writer but for your birthday you had one wish and that was for me to talk about what happened when I was a teenager, it was a cheap and dirty trick but it worked, a story seemed like the easiest way to do it. I wanted others to learn from my story so I posted it here. [destiel, highschool au, tw: domestic violence, remember to review :)]
1. 1:Stars in your eyes, fire in your heart

For my beloved…

The stars were in your eyes the first day I saw you up on the stage. I thought to myself a quiet little thought "that boy is something special, he's going to go far". To my utmost surprise, it was me, boring, plain, and socially inept that you would choose to share that journey with. I loved you from the day you introduced yourself to me, you were patient, kind, so loud, proud, and brave, everything I wasn't, couldn't be. You are the love of my life now and forever more, I love you Dean Winchester.

Chapter 1

"Hello, I'm Castiel."  
"What? Speak up boy, we can't hear you."  
"Um, sorry, can you hear me now?"  
The drama teacher was leaning forward in her seat, a frown on her face but none the less she nodded. I began again. I could feel my face heating up, a rosy red blush up my cheeks as I stuttered out my words.  
"Hello, I'm Castiel and I'll be auditioning for the part of Leonardo."  
"Get on with it then."

...It was the worst minute and half of my life. Thankfully, they called a stop to my audition before I had the chance to make a bigger fool of myself.

"See I knew you would be amazing." Said my sister with fake enthusiasm.  
I looked up from where my head was buried in my hands "Your lies are not helping. I was awful."  
"Don't be so hard on yourself, you did okay, it could be worse, at least you remembered your lines this time. That's something."  
"Don't patronise me, I'm not a child, Anna."

"I'm not trying to…. listen I'm just trying to help.'

"I didn't ask for your help Anna, you're always trying to push me towards the things I don't want to do and they always end terribly; swimming club; soccer; rugby; shall I go on?"

"I'm not the enemy here Castiel. I'm just trying to help you, you have no friends Castiel, it's not healthy for a boy your age to be alone all the time."

"I already have a mother Anna, I don't need another one."  
"This was a mistake." said Anna "I'm leaving."  
"Fine." I said as she stormed away.

I crossed my arms, glaring down the empty stage as the next person walked on, trying to figure out what they had that I didn't. As if the man could feel my resentful gaze upon him, he looked up and I caught my breath, he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I felt compelled to watch his performance even though my logical brain made its best effort to remind me to look away. The man finished his act, and gracefully walked off the stage, and _oh_ _was he walking this way!_ I felt trapped, but I couldn't go anywhere all the exits were blocked by the students taking their leave.

"Hi, I'm Dean." he said palm extended.

My words were caught in my throat as I fought a silent battle in my brain, trying to determine what was right to do in this situation. I realised too late that I was just staring at him not saying a word. He awkwardly retracted his hand and laughed it off walking away.

"Wait!" I blurted out in an uncharacteristic impulsive rush of words "Your performance was amazing."

"Oh that clusterfuck?" he laughed "That was nothing, I improvised half the lines because I lost my script somewhere."

I shook my head "You're really something Dean."

"Thanks, uh you were… alright yourself."

"My names Castiel, and you don't need to lie I know I was awful. I only auditioned because my sister convinced me it would be a good idea for easily won extra credit."

"Turned out to be harder than you thought then?" Dean said smugly.

"Slightly." I said icily my embarrassment getting the better of me.

"Don't worry Cas, no one is ever good on their first audition. I remember mine, threw up on one of the judges, my boyfriend and judge at the time wasn't too happy about that."

"I couldn't imagine that." I said trying to picture a younger knobbly kneed Dean but failing.

"He got over it eventually, although it took a lot of time on my knees if you know what I mean." He said winking and I blushed looking away. "One thing that's been good to me in my auditions throughout the years is faking it to you make it. If you're having a shitty day leave that behind and go up the stage and pretend you're all that shit they believe you to be, hasn't failed me yet."

"I'll keep it in mind." I said.

"Well it was nice talking to you Cas" He said looking at his phone "but I've got to go pick up my little brother."

"Goodbye Dean." I said "Good luck." Knowing there was no way on heaven or earth that he wouldn't get the lead role.

"I'll see you around." He said suggestively and with that he walked away.

"Young man, you have to leave, were closing the auditorium."

"Right, Sorry!" I said as I ran out avoiding eye contact and wishing I could turn invisible. I must have been standing there longer than I thought. I ran to the bike racks under the cover of my notebooks as it started to rain. I yanked the key from around my neck and got on my bike peddling as fast as I could go. I caught a glimpse of my watch. "Darn it!" I said peddling faster.

I stashed my bike in the shed and ran in the house.

It was too late.

"Where have you been?"

"I had to stay afterschool." I carefully said.

"What for?" said my Dad.

"Study group."

"Study group?" My Dad laughed maliciously "You have to have friends for that. Where were you really?"

"Nowhere." I squeaked out

"I know where you were." Said my Dad waving the audition poster in my face. "Your mother found this in your pocket yesterday. Auditions after school tomorrow 4pm, be there or be square."

"No father." I said "That's not mine."

"Likely story, I warned you about this Castiel."

"I'm sorry father."

"What's this going to look like? This will reflect badly on me. You know what people are going to say? Well, do you?"

"No father."

"They're going to talk and their going to say my son is a faggot! That I raised a faggot! That you have fallen from the grace of the lord. Well do you want that Castiel?"

"No Father."

"I don't believe you Castiel prancing around on the stage dressed up in sequins and glitter."

"It was only auditions father, it's required for extra credit."

"So you admit it then Castiel! You "Auditioned!" I will not allow any son of mine to be a faggot."

"No father please its nothing like that."

"I'm sorry Castiel I take no pleasure from doing this but you've brought this upon yourself. This is a harsh lesson you just have to learn."

"No father please I'll be good."

"It's gone far past that stage Castiel. This is a matter of the lord of virtue and moral righteousness."

Tears fell down my face as his fist collided with my body.

…

"Hey Cas, they've put up the parts, have you seen?"

"Hello Dean. I haven't, what's the point? I know I won't get a part." I said praying the choice would be taken out of my hands, that I was so horrible they decided not to include me in the play at all.

"Take a look anyway."

I walked over to the sheet, weaving my way through the swarm of teenage girls reading the list. Cast as the lead role was Dean, no surprise there, and right at the bottom was me, as a tree.

"Well done Dean." I said.

"Did you see your part?"

"It's hardly a part." I said thankful for that small blessing.

"A tree is still something, and look it says you're a stand in as Orpheus."

"I don't think I'm going to be part of the play Dean." I said scuffing my feet on the ground my father's words echoing in my head, _what will people think faggott?_

"uh c'mon Cas, it'll be fun, it's not the size of the part that matters, but how much fun you have playing it."

"I don't know Dean, I'll find another extra-curricular that suits me better. Debate club maybe?"

"Please Cas, just try it, if you hate it you can leave. It's not like you'll even have lines that you can fuck up. No one will even recognise you dressed up as a tree."

Dean was the first person in this place who had wasn't scared to be seen talking to me, so it was very hard to say no especially with his logical reasons. Despite all that I was still afraid of my father finding out so I was ready to refuse his proposal but then he gave me this look that made my heart melt and yes was the only answer left. "I'll be the best tree Lincoln high has ever seen." I said "faking it till I made it" with mustered enthusiasm.

"That's the spirit." Said Dean throwing an award winning smile that took my breathe away.


	2. 2: Brotherly Bonds

Chapter 2

Thankfully no one was home when I got back other than my sister hiding in her room. She felt guilty and blamed herself for being the cause for our father to be angry with me. It wasn't her fault she didn't realise it would make our father react in that way. I should have known better, Father had always been touchy around anything that would make me appear effeminate or gay, ever since I was 4 and got into our mothers makeup playing dress up with Anna. I was always careful not to anger our father, but he was unpredictable and there was knowing what could be the trigger to set him off into a violent rage. Tossing my bag in the corner of my room I fell back on my bed thinking the day through. I almost fell off my bed as I felt a weird vibration from my pocket, I searched through them and brought out my century old phone my mother made me carry for safety reasons even though no one ever texted me or called me except for Anna to yell at me. Putting on my glasses I squinted at the screen.

" **hey cas :)"**

 **Bzzz bzzz**

 **"its dean"**

 ** _"_** _I know."_

 **"want to have some fun"**

 _"Depends, what type of fun?"_

 **"text me your address"**

 _"I'm not home."_ I lied " _I'll meet you somewhere."_

 _"_ **Café Guidry's Cajun?"**

 _"I will be there in 15 minutes, save me a seat."_

My heart was racing as I pulled on my favourite trench coat and tried to tame my unmanageable hair something that caused my mother ongoing annoyance especially on Sundays, but no matter what I did I couldn't get it to lie in a respectable manner. Shoving my wallet into my pants I unlocked the window. "There's no going back now." I thought climbing down the lattice that lined my house. Taking my bike out of the garage I set off down the road ducking my head and looking around for the noise of my father's Land Rover.

"Hey Cas." Said Dean waving me down.

"Sammy this is Cas."

"Cas this is Sammy my brother."

"Nice to meet you Sammy." I said sliding into the booth and relaxing slightly.

"It's just Sam." the boy said "Sammy is the name of a four year old."

"Nice to meet you Sam" I said correcting myself.

"Would you boys like to order anything?" the waitress asked a pained smile upon her face.

"Sammy?" asked Dean.

"Milkshake please."

"Two milkshakes. Cas?"

"I'll just have a milkshake."

"Three milkshakes" said Dean.

"How old are you Sam?" I asked.

"13." He said, 4 years age difference between the brothers.

"Are you going out with my brother?" asked Sam with the subtlety of a 13 year old.

Dean shot him a mortified look, kicking him under the table I assumed by his resulting wince.

"No, no, absolutely not, were just friends. I'm straight." I couldn't help but notice the disappointed look of hurt that flashed across Dean's face. I felt bad but I couldn't help it, I couldn't like Dean that way, he had to know before anything happened. An awkward silence descended on the table and I could have hugged the waitress when she finally brought out our drinks.

"This tastes amazing." I said taking a sip.

Sam looked at me like I was crazy.

"You're acting like you've never had a shake before." Said Dean

"I haven't" I replied.

"No way." Said Sam.

"My family doesn't encouraging indulging in unhealthy foods."

"Wow, that's insane."

"Dean practically lives on junk food." Said Sam.

"I do not."

"Name one vegetable."

"An tomato."

"That's a fruit."

"Of course I knew that, I was seeing if you were paying attention."

"That makes no sense."

I smiled as they bantered stirring my milkshake looking up as I heard my name, the topic changing.

"So Cas you're telling me you've never had a milkshake before?"

"No"

"How about a burger?"

"No"

"Fries?"

"No."

"Please tell me you've had pie."

"No Dean I haven't."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Well that settles it, were coming back here, and I'm making you try everything, you're missing out Cas I tell you."

"It's a date then." I said realising what I said after I said it "No not that type of date but as in the date is set that were meeting as friends."

"Yes Cas, I got it."

I blushed ducking my head and Dean caught my eye telling a stupid joke and I quickly got over the blunder.

Dean refused to let me pay even with how much I insisted Instead I made him promise to let me pay next time.

I watched the taillights of his car drive away then got on my own bike sneaking back into the house, thankfully no one noticed I was gone.


	3. 3: A side of you I wished never to see

Chapter 3

I did not see Dean again for another few days and when I did I wish it was in better circumstances. A crowd had gathered around in a circle and the only explanation being a high school fight, an unfortunate but regular occurrence in my school. The crowd chanted like the moronic sheep high schoolers were so often accused of being. I rolled my eyes and ignored them going straight for my locker. I looked up only when I caught a familiar name on the wind. I instantly found myself becoming more interested abandoning my locker to push through the crowd. As suspected there was Dean bloodied and bruised with a triumphant look on his face standing over a boy I recognised from one of my many auditions, as part of the football team. The crowd quickly disbanded once the fight was over and the teachers started swarming. I walked away with disgust.

"Cas" Dean called. I ignored him.

"Hey, Cas!" Dean ran up to me blocking my path. "Cas, uh hey."

"What?"

Dean looked taken aback at my icy tone.

"Nothing just hey. Haven't seen you around lately."

"Hello Dean."

"What's crawled up your ass and died?"

"I don't approve of fighting Dean."

"You're pissed at me because I was fighting that douche? He deserved it Cas, if you heard the shit he was spewing you would have done the same."

"No I wouldn't! I don't care what he said. It's no excuse to beat him so badly he's left unconscious bleeding on the ground."

"He was talking shit about Sammy Cas. He brought it upon himself."

"I thought you were better than that Dean." I said feeling disappointed.

"Fuck! Cas." Said Dean looking conflicted "I'm not sorry, I can't say I am without it sounding like bullshit. I don't know what you want from me."

"I want you to not go around and beat up every person who swears in your face."

"I don't care what they say about me, they've called me fag enough times it just rolls off my back, but I draw the line when someone says shit about Sam."

I sighed "I don't think I can be friends with someone like that Dean." I couldn't have someone like my father as a friend, I just couldn't do it.

"Cas, it's not fair for you to ask that of me."

"I know," I said "but if you can't promise to be better like the man I know you are. I'll walk away now and I'll never talk to you again, not even a friendly hello in the hallway."

Dean shuffled his feet looking antsy, I thought he was going to walk away but he did the most remarkable thing.

"Alright Cas, Im sorry I can't make a definite promise that I won't soon break, If someone punches me I'm going to punch back, but I'll try. I can promise that I'll try to put a lid on my anger, not punch first or go off as much if someone says shit to me."

"Thank you Dean." I said relieved impulsively hugging him before the bell rang and we went our separate ways.


	4. 4: Not-A-Date

Chapter 4

It turned out there it was a misprint on the sheet and instead of playing a tree I was building trees, mainly set design. I told my Father I had enrolled in woodwork, and he could not be prouder "I was reforming my heathen ways" apparently. I was happy for the first time in a long time. I was still a stand in for Orpheus, but Nick was already so good he wouldn't need a stand in, so it didn't worry me too much. Next was Deans part where he and Orpheus were supposed to fight, painting the tree I mouthed the lines along with Nick.

"Castiel." Nudged Hannah.

"Sorry," I said noticing I had got so caught up in Dean's performance that I had dripped paint all over the floor.

"Don't sweat it." Hannah said passing me a rag with paint stripper on it. "You really like him huh?"

"Who?" I said absently mopping up the spill.

"Who else." She said looking over at Dean as he expertly recited a complicated sonnet. He was sweating profusely under the bright stage lights, and his shirt stuck to his body leaving very little to the imagination. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and forced myself to look away.

"I don't know what you're talking about Hannah," I denied "Dean and I are friends, nothing more. I must insist you apologise immediately for making such horrible, ungodly insinuations about me."

"Are you for real Cas? It's clear as this paint is red that you like him, I'm not apologising for pointing out the obvious."

"Then I must request you take your heathen ways to another part of the room. If you spent more time painting and less time with these sick fantasies about me your set wouldn't look like a rejected art project painted by a 4-year-old."

She looked at me with shock "I was only trying to be friendly." She said before walking over to the other side of the room, whispering to the other girls who shot me hateful glares. I felt like the most horrible person in the world, I didn't mean to hurt Hannah like that, it just slipped out. I felt a sudden wave of nausea overcome me and ran out of the auditorium finding the nearest bathroom and throwing up.

A little whole later as I was washing the taste of vomit from my mouth I heard the sound of footsteps. I prayed they would go away, no such luck.

"Cas, are you okay?"

"Do you think I'm a horrible person?" I asked Dean.

"No of course not. What made you think that?"

I shook my head wiping at my eyes as tears threatened to spill.

"Was it those girls? Did those bitches say something to you?"

"No, no. It was me, I said something horrible to Hannah. Not just her, everyone. I'm not a good person Dean."

"Cas," he said softly wrapping me in his arms and hugging me tightly as I tried and failed to hold back my tears. "It'll be alright."

I didn't allow myself to linger in his embrace for long before I pulled away. "I'll be okay Dean," I said feeling guilty and confused as if I had committed a sin. "I just need a minute alone." I said stressing the last word.

Dean looked confused, and a tiny bit hurt, but he left the bathroom all the same. I splashed cold water on my face unable to look myself in the eye as I scrutinised my appearance for a sign that I had been crying. Satisfied that I looked relatively normal, I left the bathroom. To my surprise, Dean was waiting outside.

"Let's blow this place." Dean was jingling his keys "You owe me a date."

A small smile flashed across my face to his charming one. I didn't have the energy left deny his words.

"What do you think?" said Dean showcasing his car.

"It's uh nice."

"Nice?"

"Sorry, I don't know much about cars."

"That's alright because I happen to know a lot allow me to educate you."

I listened with rapt attention as Dean talked so passionately explaining his car was a Chevvy Impala, A prized car in the motoring world. Then he lost me as he rambled on about specifics but I could have listened to him talk about cars all afternoon as the way his green eyes lit up with excitement. We arrived at Café Guidry's Cajun and were both seated at a booth. Dean first made me try a burger, then their "famous" apple pie.

"It has nothing on my Moms apple pie, but it's still fucking tasty." he said licking his lips slowly, a warmth coursed through my body at his actions ending somewhere it shouldn't have.

"You'll have to introduce me some time to your Mother," I said trying to ineffectively cough away the feeling.

He looked sad for a moment before speaking "sometime." then changed the topic "So Cas, music, Black Sabbath? Or Metallica?"

"Who?"

"Really? Well damn, what exactly do you listen to?"

"The classics, Beethoven, Chopin, sometimes gospel music."

Dean got an evil smirk on his face, "You're in for a whole new world."

I smiled politely glad that Dean was a good man, mercy to the world if he was an evil one. All too soon the weary waitress interrupted our comfortable silence. I broke eye contact with Dean receiving the plate. Looking at the burger I didn't get it, it was just a sandwich. I took a hesitant bite and the juicy flavour exploded over my taste buds.

"Well?" asked Dean.

"It's amazing," I said, "I could eat 50!"

"Just eat that one first." he said laughing as I realised my mouth had been embarrassingly full of food while I was talking.

"Sorry," I said grinning as opened his mouth and showed me the food he had chewed, I threw a tomato at him.

"Is Sam your only sibling?" I asked noticing he was checking his phone at relative intervals through the-not-date.

"Yeah," he said, "ever since I was twelve it's been me and him, you know the two of us against the world. He can be such a brat sometimes always picking fights with Dad, but I couldn't imagine my life without him in it."

"You must love him a lot."

"Yeah I do, but don't tell him I said that, he'll never let me live it down. How about you Cas any siblings?"

"I have a sister, Anna."

"Anna, is she the one that goes to our school. Hot red head."

I nodded.

"Hmm interesting."

"What?" I said.

"Nothing."

"Dean."

"uh, it's just, we've dated before, well I wouldn't call it dating, but she is something, it's true what they say about red heads."

I cleared my throat, it always made me uncomfortable to hear about Annas dating history, not from any shame but out of fear our parents would one day find out their daughters less than virginal status and send her away "Aren't you, you know?"

"Gay?" said Dean laughing "It's okay to say it Cas." He shrugged "I don't discriminate."

I frowned confused, "yeah took me a while to understand it too. Labels are stupid, I like who's hot, and that's it."

"How can you like both genders? Isn't it just one or the other?"

Dean shrugged "I guess it's just whoever I want to fuck really and for me that happens to be both dudes and chicks. My Mom was bisexual herself, so she shut my dad down pretty fast whenever he said anything about it. It really wasn't a big deal when I was little." The waitress brought over the pie and Dean changed the topic "So, is Anna is your only sibling?"

I shrugged "I also have a few brothers, but I don't really see them. This pie is incredible." I said taking a bite and not at all changing the topic like Dean had.

"Yeah, it's really something isn't it?"

"What." I said noticing we were doing the staring thing again.

"Nothing, just eat your pie Cas."

I paid for our meal, and we left the restaurant. I got into Deans Car and realised he didn't know where I lived, I didn't want him to know, but he was driving with a purpose.

"Where are we going?" I asked curiously

"I want to meet someone." He said vaguely. Judging by our previous conversation I gathered it was his mom.

"Dean why are we here?" We had pulled up outside a cemetery, and a voice like my drunk of a mother echoed in my head warning me of the danger of getting in cars with strangers, especially ones who were taller and musclier than you. I promptly ignored her like I had grown accustomed to doing throughout the years. I trusted Dean, I knew that he would never hurt me.

"This is where my mom is."

"Oh, Dean," I said as I figured it out "I'm so sorry."

"Cmon Cas. It doesn't stay open all night." He grabbed my hand and lead me through the wrought iron gates, an owl hooted and the setting sun reflected off the tombstones.

I waited respectively back as let go of my hand moving closer to his mother's grave. In a low murmur he whispered something to his mother's grave tidying it up in the process. Hiding his head and wiping his eyes he then motioned me to come over. I stepped closer crouching next to Dean.

"I'd like you to meet someone Mom. This is Cas. He is my uh best friend." Dean looked at me expectantly.

"uh hello, Mrs Winchester. Sorry that I didn't bring flowers but Dean didn't tell me we were coming here. All I can say is that your son is a good man. He's brave, kind and loving, one day he's going to make someone very happy, you should be proud of him."

I left Dean to say goodbye to his mom before he walked over. Dean smiled at me and grabbed my hand again interlacing our fingers this time. "There's one last place. I want to show you." He said, "it's not far."

We got back into the Impala, and Dean pulled up onto an overlook.

"Wow," I said astounded, the magnificent shining stars illuminated the blackness of the night sky a peacefulness settled in me. I was awed under the stars my life felt much less more insignificant than I had thought, a tiny human soul in a bright night full of shimmering stars. Despite the beauty of the night my eyes were drawn back to Dean, he was already staring back at me, in my distraction I had not realised that he had been watching me marvel at the stars.

I hesitated to break the silence but I could not bear the implications that followed "So what do they call this place, make out overlook or something? Tell me bro" I cringed "How many girls have you taken out here to impress."

"Just you Cas. Just you."

I blushed and mumbled an apology.

In this private sanctuary above the town we were free. It was the two of us sitting side by side on the hood of a vintage car. No one else mattered. No family, church, or rules and expectations could ruin this moment. My heart sped up as Dean looked towards me for permission. I nodded one small action. Dean was the one to lean in and instigate the kiss, slow and innocent. I was the one to change the nature of the kiss, returning it with enthusiasm. We broke apart, breathing in much needed oxygen, beaming smiles as bright as the stars adorned our faces. I caught my breathe and the smile slipped from my face, a dark cloud crossed the night sky, it dawned on me what I just had done. The seriousness of my actions echoed off the silence as the generic sound of my ringtone shrilled from my pocket. I backed up as far as I could go shaking as if the phone was a venomous snake ready to bite me.


	5. 5: The worst day of my life

**T/W: Abuse, Violence, Homophobic slurs.**

Chapter 5

"No, No, No! What have I done?"

"Cas its okay."

"No it's not! I kissed you! Why did I do that? Why did I do that Dean?"

"Maybe because you like me. I like you too Cas. It's okay."

"No, it's not, I cant." A broken sob broke free interrupting me "I like girls. I have to like girls. I can't like boys. I can't believe I just did that, fuck!" My phone rang once again, and I threw it as hard as I could over the edge of the drop. I screamed into the night swear words that would have made my Father knock me two ways to Sunday.

"Cas, Cas! Calm down. Tell me what's going on."

"He's going to kill me." I thought "he going to find out, and he's going to kill me. Then he's going to hurt you for kissing me first." I shook my head tears rolling down my cheeks "I can't Dean" I said instead "This was a mistake. A horrible terrible mistake."

"A mistake?" he said reaching out "What are you talking about Cas."

"Don't touch me faggot." I said my hands were shaking and tears were still falling down my face. I had to push Dean away to protect him, it was the only way.

Deans face suddenly closed off "What the fuck Cas?"

"You heard me." I said coldly "Keep your tainted Homo hands to yourself."

"Fuck you Cas." He said, "You kissed me back, or did you forget that."

I stepped right up in his space, his hands were clenched. It was obvious he was trying very hard to resist the urge to punch me. I wish he would, I deserved it. "No one will believe you, and if you do, you'll rue the day you ever met me. I will ruin you completely." And with that I walked off.

"Castiel? Is that you? Get in here now!"

I shuddered tensing as I walked into the kitchen.

"Where have you been?" asked my father. He didn't ask twice.

"I called you Castiel," said my mother a glass of whisky in her hand. "You didn't answer."

"I'm sorry," I said, "I got caught up with a friend."

"You have a strict curfew Castiel. 6 pm sharp."

"I looked at the clock with the time it had taken me to walk back it was past 10."

"The school rang they said you didn't show up to your classes either."

Nothing I could now say make that fact any less true.

"I'm sorry," I said defeated "It won't happen again."

"You're right it won't happen again." He said rising from the kitchen table.

"It's unfortunate you're making me do this Castiel, but it's necessary to teach you a lesson." He said as each blow landed "To make you into a good man. You'll understand when you have sons of your own one day."

"I'm sorry" I cried out trying to protect my head. On some level I knew I deserved this.

"Tell me where you were today."

"Nowhere." I lied. His anger would only increase tenfold if I ever told the truth.

"Don't lie to me Castiel!" he said slapping me across the face. I refused to say anything, silence was my only defence. "Where's your phone?" he said.

"I lost it."

"Carelessness!" he said kicking me "You should be more careful with the nice things I work hard to provide for you. I work hard to clothe and feed you ungrateful kids. What do I get in return? Ungrateful! Disrespectful! Children!"

"Michael Please, You're going to kill him."

"Shut up Kathryn! Or you can take his place."

"I'm going to ask you again where you were. I will not ask again."

I knew if I didn't give him an answer soon I would pass out and he wouldn't stop. Digging myself into a deeper hole with a spade forged with lies. "With a girl." My stomach turned from his latest hit and I almost threw up all over the carpet. Restraining myself from experience at what that action would earn me.

"A girl." He said doubtful to my mother "Kathryn, our son, a reformed Homo, was with a girl."

"What's her name?" said my mother.

"Meg." I said naming the girl who had a clear crush on me for years.

"You'll have to bring her around for tea sometime." Said my mother pretending like I wasn't lying bleeding on the kitchen floor.

"Yes bring her around for tea." Said my father "We can all meet this girl."

"Yes father" eyes trained to the floor clutching my stomach.

"Listen carefully Castiel if I find out you're lying, I promise you Hell will be a relief to the punishment that you'll earn."

"Why would I lie?" I said swallowing down the blood that had filled my mouth.


	6. 6: Strings on me

Chapter 6

"Mother. Father. This is Meg." I put a fake smile upon my face as I presented her like a piece of meat in a butcher shop, pretty and pure in a white dress I helped pick out. I felt like a stranger in my own life, a puppet on strings, nothing but a hollow shell remained.

She curtsied "Nice to meet you Mr Johnson, Mrs Johnson."

"Come in Dear. You can help me in the kitchen, we're having pot roast."

I made a bid to follow but my father's commanding voice called me back.

I braced myself "Yes father."

"Castiel I would like to talk to you, come here."

I walked to his side, my hands were shaking again.

My dad roughly slapped me on the back and gave me an approving nod "Well done. She is a fine gal, we will make a man out of you yet."

"Thankyou father." I said through my teeth a deep dark wrongness settling in me. I made a conscious choice to ignore the feeling pushing it to the back of my mind.

Meg was polite, charming, and loving. The perfect girlfriend. I smiled through all my family's bullshit but the tipping point came when halfway through dinner she grabbed my hand. I couldn't bear it any longer excusing myself for the bathroom I wriggled out of her hold.

"What am I doing?" I asked my reflection. He had no answers to give me just a sad look in his eyes, staring back with my mother's wide blue eyes and the dark brown of my father's hair, the messiness was all my own. "I hate you. I hate this." I whispered to him as he repeated the words back. I stopped myself just in time before I punched the mirror, heaven couldn't save me from the punishment if I broke their mirror.

"Castiel, are you alright in there?" Came my sister voice through the door "Fathers starting to get antsy."

"Be out in a moment."

"Just hurry up." she said walking away. "I've ran out of polite things to say to your "girlfriend"." The sarcasm wasn't lost on me.

I schooled my frown into a more acceptable smile before washing my hands and leaving the safety of the bathroom.

"Isn't there something else I can enrol in?" I begged the receptionist. "I'll do anything. Art? Geography? Trigonometry? Please."

"I'm sorry young man, if you want the credit for your scholarship, you'll have to stay in Drama."

"Thanks for your help." I said sarcastically storming out. "I can do this," I told myself, it's only twice a week. It'll be fine, I'll just ignore him it'll be fine I have a girlfriend now."

I walked in late, shrinking in my tan trench coat it felt every eye was on me. Every other eye than the one that mattered. Dean caught my eye only once in the hour. A deep pain within his expression that made my heart clench before quickly looking away. He didn't look my way again. I couldn't tell if I was disappointed or relieved that he noticed I was there. I just knew I missed him. I missed him so much it hurt, a deep aching like someone had stuck a knife in my heart and twisted.

I would be lying if I said the second time I saw him was easier, or the time after that, the pull towards him was still there, an ache within my heart that never lessened no matter how many times we chanced to meet. The first time after that night he willingly spoke to me was he was bleeding on the floor after losing badly in a fight, vastly outnumbered but fighting to the end. It was nothing other than a masochistic choice to engage with bullies of that size and number.

"Are you okay?" I instinctually ran over. Then I saw the blood. "Shit Dean. Dont move."

"What do you care?" he said angrily pushing me away and trying to get to his feet but losing his balance and falling.

"I'm sorry."

"Fuck you." Said Dean removing his shirt to hold against his forehead.

"I respect you have a right to be angry with me, I do, but I'm not going to leave you bleeding in the hallway with a head injury." I said helping him to his feet.

"What not afraid I'll corrupt your sweet innocence with my gay cooties? My homo touch might get all over your clean coat your mommy washed."

I flinched. "C'mon the nurse's office isn't far."

I helped Dean into the office setting him into the bed and made a bid to leave as soon as I could.

"It's alright you can stay hun." Said the nurse "Your boyfriend will be okay but it'll help if you hold his hand when he has stitches." The nurse winked as if we were sharing a secret.

"Oh we're not-"

"Sugarpea, don't be shy, I'm sure the nurse won't mind if you want to hold my hand." Why was he doing this to me? I shot Dean a foul look but felt sorry for him immediately as he winced cradling his arm. Against my better judgement, I sat beside him and held his hand.

"This doesn't mean I forgive you." He told me, a sense of mustered anger lacing his words.

"I know." I didn't want him to, I didn't deserve forgiveness not when I kept wounding him again and again. "Meg is still my girlfriend, but I would like us to be friends."

"Friends?" He winced as he shifted away "Get fucked Castiel! I feel sorry for whatever poor girl you have roped into this you coward!"

I was glad the nurse walked back in that moment otherwise I would have said something I would have deeply regretted.

"Just as I suspected you'll need x-rays. I know a fracture when I see one."

"Fuck!" As soon the nurse went into the next room to get the needed tools for fixing Dean he pulled out his phone dialling a number then waited. He Swore again then dialled a different number.

"Dad, it's me, Dean. You need to come home. I've broken my arm, someone needs to drive Sam to school."

"Is everything okay?" I said.

"It's fine." He said gruffly.

"It doesn't sound fine."

"Fuck why do you care Cas? You made it pretty clear what you thought about us. What you thought of me. Fuck! why you are still here Cas?"

"I don't know." please don't make me say it.

"Don't give me that bullshit Cas. For once in your life cut the crap."

"because, no matter what I still care for you Dean. I'll always care about you Dean. I fucking hate myself for it but I do."

Dean was about to say something else but the nurse with her _excellent_ timing returned and Dean immediately shut up. Bracing himself for the needle he reached for my hand.

"Do you have any questions?" the nurse asked once she was done.

"Just one, what's the go on driving?"

"Dean I strongly advise against it, you will make your injury worse and you are a potential hazard to not only yourself but other road users."

"Fuck!" he swore. "I need to drive. I need to take my brother to school, to get groceries, to do all the mundane shit that requires a driver's licence."

"Is there not someone else who can do it?" she asked kindly.

"No." said Dean "There's no one."

"What about your boyfriend?" Asked the nurse.

"No." said Dean "He's not. He won't."

"It's okay Dean." Said Cas "I can drive you whilst you heal."

"No, I cannot ask you to do that Cas."

"You're acting like you have a choice here Dean. I know you and I'm not allowing you to drive that car with a broken arm, to put your brother's safety in danger."

Dean frowned but his concern for Sam won out in the end. "4 weeks, that's it. Then you're out for good."

"I'm glad you can see sense."

"Dean are you okay?" said Sam inspecting Dean's arm.

"You should have seen the other guy."

Sam shook his head, but stayed silent on the topic. "How are we getting home?"

"Cas has been kind enough to drive us around until I get this bad boy off."

Sam looked surprised "You're seriously going to let him drive? You never let anyone drive your car."

"That's because you can't reach the pedals bitch."

"Jerk."

"Dean you're clutching the dashboard rather tightly over there."

"Total faith in you Cas, total faith."

Dean started to relax once we started driving and thankfully fell asleep quickly from the pain killers.

"Dean really likes you, you know." I clutched the steering wheel tightly "He can't stop talking about you, and he's never taken anyone to see our mother before, let alone let them driven his baby. He won't tell me what you said to him Castiel, but what you two have got, it's the real deal. Something like that isn't worth losing over a stupid fight."

"I don't know if I can fix it." Dean shifted in his sleep and I sighed. He looked so peaceful, free from the burdens of the world.

"If him you love him, you'll try to fix it."


	7. 7: The Fight

Chapter 7

There was a heart shaped hole in my chest, I felt soulless, empty inside a meat suit. An empty vessel I had to put on every time I pretended to have romantic interest in Meg. Thankfully Meg didn't believe in sex before marriage so there was no pressure there, but it didn't mean she didn't want to try other things. When I kissed her it was robotic, I felt nothing, so I avoided doing it, making up excuse after excuse. My excuses were getting more flimsy, and she was starting to notice, I felt awful when I tried to pin the blame on her. I was giving the poor girl a complex, but I didn't know what to do without telling her the truth and that was not even an option.

I returned home after another day of driving Dean and Sam back to find my brother Gabriel and my former sister Lucy, now brother, Lucifer. My Father and Mother had never understood Lucifer sending him off to conversion camps at a young age, a lot more severe than the ones I was forced to attend. After years of camp after camp eventually Lucifer gave up and pretended to be someone he wasn't. He pretended to be a girl right up until the day he was old enough, and my parents allowed him to move out. That's where my parents had known him to be under the careful eye of Michael, the lawyer, the golden child. Guessing by the presence of Gabriel by his side the story was less than true.

"With all respect I'm not here for your fucking money Dad."

"Language Lucy!"

"Look at you! You're making your mother upset."

"You were such a beautiful girl, I don't know what happened."

"I'm still me mother; I'm just a happier version of me now."

"Will you at least look at what your mothers got you?"

"Father I can't, I'm a boy. Boys don't wear dresses."

"Where's Michael?" our mother cried "He was supposed to be looking after you out there. Protecting you from sin."

"Mother, Father please, just hear Lucifer out." Said Gabriel avoiding the question.

"I'm the same person I've always been Father. This is not about sin, not about choice, I have always been a boy now my body reflects that too."

Father spat with disgust "Castiel do you see your sister? What she's become? You disgust me, Lucy. I can't bear to look at you. If you're not going to wear the lovely dress your mother gave you then I don't want to see you ever again."

"Father please."

"I cannot have you and Gabriel around corrupting my other children when they are trying so hard to redeem themselves."

Lucifer had a murderous glint in his eye, a cold dark expression was on his face. I feared if Gabriel didn't have his hand on Lucifers arm he would have injured father right there and then.

"Come on Luci. We knew it would be a wasted effort let's just leave."

"No," Lucifer said a stubborn cold glean in his eyes "I'm not going anywhere until you acknowledge me as the man I am."

"I have a daughter called Lucy, not a son."

"Lucifer." warned Gabriel "Don't. He's not worth it."

"You were such a beautiful girl." Cried my mother "Very naughty but beautiful. If this is some phase like your brother being gay or another rebellious thing like when you burned down that house, then well work through it as a family. Please just put on the dress Lucy."

"Kathryn be quiet! You're getting emotional. Lucy, you're an adult now, it's time to start acting like the woman you are and for us to treat you such. Until you're dressed appropriately, I do not want you back here, you cannot be part of our family." Said my father.

"Come on Luci," said Gabriel pulling his hand "let's go, I told you this was a mistake."

I could tell Lucifer was barely holding it together as he made a move to leave.

"The moment she was born she had darkness in her soul." Said my father, and in the next moment Lucifer was upon him, punching him. I ran forward as Gabriel did pulling our brother off Father.

"My baby, my sweet little girl. She's been overtaken by sin." Cried my Mother.

"Get the fuck off me." Yelled Lucifer "I'm going to fucking kill that bastard."

We managed to manoeuvre Lucifer out of the house, at that moment I didn't doubt for a second that he would follow through on his threat.

"Its all his fault." He seethed "He killed Michael."

"Lucifer," said Gabriel like they'd had this conversation before in a different context to the person Lucifer was blaming "Michael overdosed on heroin. It was no one's fault."

"All I've done is love him, and this is what he does betray me, punishes me, and casts me out. He's such a fucking hypocrite."

"Lucifer stop talking now." Said my brother cutting him off as I was standing there conflicted and confused. Gabriel got in his car, backing out of the driveway "Get in Lucifer or God help me I will leave your stupid ass right here in this backwards town."

Lucifer grumbled but got in the car ignoring me as they drove away together. A deep sadness overcame me as I watched them drive away. Their cheap car rounded the corner and I went back inside where my mother was still crying in the kitchen, and my Father was angrily shouting down the phone at who I assumed was the cops. I locked the front door, checking three times just to make sure, and ran up to my room. Closing my door I texted Anna to make sure she was okay, then I checked the window three times before collapsing on my bed exhausted.


	8. 8: Opening Night

Chapter 8

"You beat up Nick?" I said incredulously trying to figure out what the joke was.

"Technically he punched me first." Mumbled Dean.

"I can't believe this. I can't do this Dean. I'm not an actor."

"You know all the lines. Don't tell me you don't."

"Dean no. I can't do this." My Father was in the audience along with everyone I knew; they would recognise me for sure.

"You have to Cas. No one else but you can. No one else knows the lines."

"I'm sorry Dean, No."

"Please," Said Dean "don't make me go up there alone."

I sighed his pathetic, vulnerable puppy dog look melted my last resistance and I walked off to find the stupid costume. Maybe my father wouldn't notice me under the stage makeup.

My legs shook as I stood on the stage. The only way I could do this is if I blocked everyone else out in the audience, hidden behind the bright lights I recited the lines as best as I could.

"I'm sorry Orpheus."

"You betrayed me for the last time, Leonardo! You were my friend. I trusted you."

"It wasn't my choice."

"Lies! The time for words is over! On guard!" I drew my sword clashing with Dean.

"Sorry," I whispered as I accidentally hit him his still healing arm.

"Why did you do it? Why did you betray me, Leonardo?"

Oh shit, my mind went blank as Dean looked expectantly on.

"Leonardo you were my friend, I trusted you, but you pushed me away, tell me why?"

"I'm sorry. It was the uh King he did not want me to be friends with one of the humans. I did not mean to say those horrible things, but he cursed me. He put darkness and confusion in my heart. I was forced to only speak evil things."

"I don't believe you, surely one as smart as you could break free of the curse. Our friendship could have remained a secret from the king."

"and you would have been happy with that? No. The king would have found out eventually. I could not without great danger to my life. If I attempted to break free the kings would have broken my wings and ended my life."

"I wouldn't have cared as long as I got to be with you. Did you mean those things you said?"

"Not one word Dean I love you."

"What?"

"No."

"You love me?"

"Yes"

"I love you too Cas."

"You do?"

"Of course I do you dickhead."

I kissed Dean on stage as the audience clapped. It was magic. His stubble grazed my face, and his lips were soft undermine.

I looked up to see that the drama teacher had her head in her hands. I remembered vaguely that the Fey was supposed to kill the prince not kiss him, it was a classic tragedy, the prince would die in the princesses arms. The teacher pushed the princess Lisa onto the stage to interrupt us. I dragged Dean off stage before she had a chance to. "Let's get out of here." I Said.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere, anywhere but here."

We exited out of the back door and climbed into the Impala, I checked three times that the door was locked before we left. The tires squealed on the asphalt as we drove away. I pulled up outside Deans house. I knew that once I got home this would be my last night seeing Dean ever again, if I was going to hell, I intended to make the most of it. Checking the lock three times I kissed him with wild abandon once we got inside the house. Dean made quick work of my shirt only struggling a little with the complicated hooks. When we got to the bedroom, Dean suddenly froze.

"Shit, Cas."

I opened my eyes "Oh" I said backing up and buttoning my shirt. I had forgotten, so lost in kissing Dean.

Dean grabbed me by the wrist gently "It's okay show me."

I shook my head no.

"Okay. How about I show you mine, and then you go."

I was confused at first until Dean removed his shirt. "This scar" he pointed to the most faded one "is when I was 12 and rescued my brother from the house fire my mom died in. The flames got me as I ran out with Sammy."

I unbuttoned my shirt shaking; Dean steadied my hands. "This is when my father caught me playing with my mother's makeup and broke my arm."

"This was the first night my dad started drinking badly and I had to step in when Dad convinced himself Sam was a demon."

"This was the first time I kissed a boy, and my father found out. The pastor's son unwittingly told his father who told mine."

"The time I left Sammy alone in the hotel room to go play video games."

"I failed English."

"Moms anniversary."

"I went to a party with my brother."

"I confronted Dad about not leaving us enough money and forgetting Christmas."

"I don't even remember …..Dean can we stop?"

"Yeah…. Come here babe."

Dean held me as I lay in his arms until our heartbeats fell in sync.

"I love you Dean." I said kissing him. He held me tighter, and kissed me deeper. Our breath grew heavier and our clothes lighter. We were in love, young, living on expired time. Fire in or hearts, and pain written with scars mapped onto our bodies. I loved him more than anyone else could love another being. Dean's name upon my lips as I rode out an orgasm I wished the night would never end.


	9. 9: Leaving

Chapter 9

"Dean! Dean! Wake up!"

"huh, whatisit."

"Castiel it's your dad. He's pissed and looking for you. Both of you."

"Shit!" I swore, Dean was becoming a bad influence on me "I'm sorry I brought you into this Dean."

"Babe it's not your fault. It's his fault that fucker! You deserve better Cas. I'm never letting you return to that asshole again. We're leaving, Sam go pack your shit." Dean pulled on his pants and started throwing clothes into a bag.

"I'll be right back," I said reaching for my boxers and going into the bathroom. Locking the door, and checking three times, then three more to be sure, and then three more to be extra sure. I splashed water on my face. I pulled out my phone automatically answering it as the stupid ringtone Dean had changed it to called like a siren to me.

"Castiel at last you answer. I've been so worried after you disappeared. Are you okay? Are you safe?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I'm fine father."

"Thank the Lord! Kathryn, he's okay. Your mother misses you Castiel. Come home and we can work this out."

My hands shook, but my tone was firm as I said the next words mustering up my courage. "Father, I'm not coming home."

Then like a switch his whole tone changed "Listen carefully Castiel, enough is enough! You either come back now or I'm going to come after you."

"I don't care Father. I'm not coming home."

"Castiel," Warned my father. "Remember what happened the last time you disobeyed me."

"It's not going to work this time Farher. I'm no longer that 12 years old boy that you can beat into submission."

"I tried being nice Castiel, I gave you a chance but if you're not going to cooperate no more Mr nice guy. If this is the path you choose I can't support you in this. The punishment you receive will be your own doing. I know where you are Castiel. I'll always know where you are. I'll never stop until the day I find you, and then not even god will not be able to save you and that faggot who's corrupted you."

My hands shook so much I dropped the phone. The screen cracked on impact.

"Cas you alright in there?" Asked Dean banging on the door.

"Just a minute." I said voice cracking.

"Cas" said Dean banging louder "Open this door! Babe, let me in."

I unlocked the door burying myself in Deans arms.

"Let's leave now," I said "before it's too late.

"Okay. C'mon Sammy time to go."

"Cas?" asked Dean.

"What?"

"Where'd you go Cas? I have been trying to get your attention for the last 5 minutes." He said looking worriedly at me.

"Sorry," I said catching the retreating silhouette of the town in the rear view mirror "I'm just tired." I was unable to clear my mind of what will become of Anna, left all alone with my parents. The threats my father made. I was certain that he would follow through with them after what he had done in the past. There was nothing I could do I reminded myself. Anna was smart, she knew how to survive, shell be fine, or that's at least what I tried to convince myself.

"How you holding up Cas?"

I tensed "I'll survive." I always did.

"It's going to get better." He said with a certainty I wish I could possess.

I exhaled all the air in my lungs at once. My consciousness would not let me abandon Anna, "Dean I can't go with you."

Dean clenched the steering wheel tighter. "What are you talking about Cas?"

"I'm sorry Dean."

"The walls of my house aren't that thin."

I paled "You heard that."

"I heard enough."

"Dean, please, she's my sister. I can't leave her. What if it was Sam in there?"

Dean winced, it was a low blow and I knew it but I was desperate to make him understand.

"Im sorry Cas." He said speeding up the car.

I slammed my hand on the dash waking up Sam. "I hate you for this Dean."

"I would rather you hate me than see you in the hands of that bastard."

I slumped defeated. The noise of the rain amplified the heavy silence of the car.


	10. 10: Epilogue

Chapter 10: Epilogue 

After leaving my hometown we had nowhere to go, I was scared to go to any relative lest my father find us and Dean had no family who would help us. So we lived in the Impala till we found a shitty apartment earned with forged documents. Once we got settled in I couldn't escape the constant paranoia that my Father was going to find us. Dean shared my concerns, but even he started to get sick of my the annoying tendencies from my OCD. I began to have doubts, afraid Dean would leave, and in doing so I only managed to push him away. I imagined he was seeing someone else, but I was too scared to comfort him on it. Unfortunately, his only partner was a bottle of whisky; to be honest I would have preferred a secret lover.

The time that Deans alcoholism was at its worse was when his father infrequently returned. Dean could face down seven bullies without batting an eye, but he never did learn how to stand up to his Father. John Winchester never stayed for long only returning to take the little money we had to fuel his insane booze-fuelled hunt for this demon he claimed killed their Mother. It was obvious all that his sons wanted was him, not the absent father John Winchester was. Maybe if he stayed home with his boys instead of hunting for an imaginary demon he would have achieved his goal of protecting them he so desperately wanted. The worse part of it all was that every time Deans father showed up he made me hide in a different motel. The few days that his father stayed were the worst time in my life. My paranoia always escalated to extreme amounts. I once almost shot Dean when he climbed through the window in the night, his quick reflexes were the only thing that saved him. After that Dean and I had the second biggest fight of our relationship. He could never quite explain why he didn't want his father and I to meet. "Oh, you know how it is." He would tell me, but I never understood what he meant; He still refuses to discuss it even now when his father is long passed away. If I had to say I would probably pin it down to the harsh expectation his father had placed on him, and Deans need to live up to them no matter the cost. Dean often struggled with the feeling that he failed me, never gave the better life he promised but he never seems to get the message. It was the better life because he was here with me. Even if we lived in the impala half the time, and swindled cash out of strangers I was happy. As long as Dean was by my side I couldn't care less about anything else. Dean wanted to save everyone, fix everyone's problems but it just wasn't possible. A perfect life is more than picket fences and a puppy dog.

Despite our turbulent life, Sam did well in school. He excelled beyond our wildest hopes and went onto to study Law financed with a scholarship partly and the rest with the money Dean and I had saved. I never did get that scholarship for college, and Dean never became an actor. The scholarship was only a way to escape my father, but I will always be disappointed Dean never got to utilise his talents. We never finished high school that year, dropping out completely, but later in life when we were more settled I got my GED, Dean never attempted his. In the end I chose the army, it gave me a sense of control and helped my paranoia to know I was able to defend myself. I was happy, it was a stable income to support Dean and Sam. Even if it did take me away from my family. In my off time, I would volunteer for kids who were like me, running from their homes, helping them to be safe. I never did hear from Anna again. I heard only rumour that she had gotten married and died young in our hometown. I wasn't sure, but it sounded like a suicide from the lack of mention in the paper, and denial of burial at our church. I blamed myself, but it was Lucifer who was arrested for the murder of my parents and sentenced to life in jail. I later found out my father had manipulated him into setting the fire that killed Deans Mother. I declined to speak at his trial and still refuse to see Lucifer in jail. Gabriel never visits, he has his demons to carry, and I understand. I don't blame him for going missing when I needed him most. I just wished he would call once in a while.

I know your reasons for wanting me to write this Dean, but I know you also have another, even if you are loathe to admit it, even to yourself. I'm sorry Dean, I can't give you what you want. I know that you would be a great father you've proven that with Sam, but I am splinters of glass, held together with tape and string, broken. It's not fair to bring a child into my mess. I hope one day you can forgive me for denying you this. I love you Dean Winchester, you are the love of my life now and forever more.

The End


End file.
